Love Isn't Perfect, But It Can Be Stronger: A February Message

February is here, and everywhere you look, there are hearts, flowers, and messages about perfect love. But here in my therapy office, I see something different. I see real couples working through real struggles. I see the messy, beautiful truth about relationships.

And you know what? That truth is actually hopeful.

This month, instead of talking about romantic dinners and grand gestures, I want to talk to you about something more meaningful: the science of making love last.

What I Wish Every Couple Knew

After years of working with couples, I've learned that most relationship problems aren't about lack of love. They're about patterns we fall into without realizing it. Little habits that slowly create distance. Ways of communicating that push our partner away instead of bringing them closer.

Dr. John Gottman spent over 40 years studying this very thing. He watched thousands of couples interact, measured their stress responses, and followed them for years to see who stayed together and who didn't. What he found profoundly changed how we understand relationships.

He discovered that he could predict with over 90% accuracy which couples would divorce just by watching how they talked to each other for a few minutes. But more importantly, he figured out exactly what makes some relationships thrive while others struggle.

The Patterns That Pull Us Apart

Let me share something that might feel familiar. You've had a long day. Your partner says something that bothers you, and before you know it, you're saying, "You always do this" or "You never think about anyone but yourself."

That's criticism, and it's one of what Gottman calls the Four Horsemen. These are four communication patterns that predict relationship breakdown: criticism (attacking character instead of addressing behavior), contempt (communicating disgust or superiority), defensiveness (making excuses instead of taking responsibility), and stonewalling (shutting down and withdrawing).

If you recognized yourself in any of those, take a breath. You're normal. Most of us do these things when we're tired, stressed, or hurt. The question isn't whether these patterns show up. It's whether we learn to replace them with something better.

Building Something Better

Here's what gives me hope: healthy relationships aren't about never having problems. They're about having a strong foundation to stand on when problems come.

Think of your relationship like a house. You need a solid foundation (really knowing each other's inner world, hopes, and dreams). You need strong walls (showing appreciation and fondness regularly). You need to maintain it (turning toward your partner when they reach out, not away).

When you have that structure in place, you can weather storms. You can disagree without damaging the relationship. You can work through hard things together.

The Small Moments Matter Most

Want to know one of my favorite research findings? It's not the big romantic gestures that predict relationship success. It's the tiny, everyday moments.

Your partner says, "Look at that bird." Do you look up from your phone? Do you respond with genuine interest? Or do you grunt and keep scrolling? These little moments, these "bids for connection," add up to either a reservoir of goodwill or a growing distance between you.

Successful couples turn toward each other in these small moments. They stay curious. They notice when their partner is stressed and ask about it. They say thank you for the ordinary things. They remember what matters to each other.

An Invitation This February

This month, instead of buying into the fantasy of perfect love, what if we focused on real love? The kind that's built on proven principles and daily practice?

That's exactly what we're going to explore together in April. C.A. Counseling is hosting a two-day couples seminar based on the Gottman Method, and I'd love for you to join us.

This isn't couples therapy. It's more like relationship education. You'll learn the specific skills that research shows make relationships work:

• How to recognize destructive patterns before they take root

• Practical ways to start difficult conversations without defensiveness

• Exercises to deepen your friendship and really know each other

• Tools for managing conflict in ways that actually bring you closer

• How to create shared meaning and dreams for your future

You'll practice these skills with your partner in real time. You'll get personalized guidance. And you'll leave with a concrete plan for building the relationship you both want.

Who This Is For

Maybe you're thinking, "We're not in crisis. Is this for us?" Yes. Some of the couples who benefit most are the ones who want to strengthen an already good relationship.

Or maybe you're thinking, "We're really struggling. Is it too late?" I can't promise miracles, but I can tell you that many couples have used these tools to completely transform their relationships.

Whether you've been together six months or sixty years, whether you're engaged, married, or committed partners, these principles apply. They're not based on theory. They're based on what actually works.

This February, Choose Real Love

The flowers will fade. The chocolates will be eaten. But the skills you learn? Those last.

This February, I invite you to invest in what matters most. Not the fantasy of perfect love, but the reality of lasting love. The kind built on science, sustained by practice, and strengthened every single day.

Our April seminar has limited space because I want to make sure every couple gets the attention and support they need. Registration details are coming soon, but I wanted you to know about it now so you can mark your calendars and talk with your partner.

If you have questions about the seminar or want to know if it's right for you, please reach out. We are here to help.

Here's to real love this February. The messy, imperfect, and absolutely beautiful kind.

With warmth,

CA Counseling Consultants Therapists

P.S. In the meantime, try this: Today, when your partner makes a bid for connection (shares something, asks a question, or just tries to engage), put down your phone and really turn toward them. See what happens.