November Can Be Both Beautiful & Hard

Why you don't have to choose between gratitude and grief.

I've been doing this work long enough to know that November hits different in a therapy office. There's something about this month that brings out the tension between what we're experiencing and what we think we should be experiencing.

Last week, one of my clients came in looking lighter than usual. She'd had coffee with a neighbor, took a walk and actually stopped to photograph the fall leaves. Small things, but meaningful for someone who's been isolated since her divorce. Then she got a text from her ex about Thanksgiving custody schedules, and the weight came crashing back.

The Guilt of Feeling Good

Here's what she said that stuck with me. She felt guilty for enjoying those good moments when her kids wouldn't have both parents at Thanksgiving this year. Like noticing beautiful leaves somehow meant she wasn't taking her divorce seriously enough.

I see this all the time. People think they have to prove their pain by being miserable constantly. If you laugh at something or enjoy a moment, does that mean you're not allowed to grieve? If you're struggling, are you supposed to reject anything good that comes your way?

The answer is no. But a lot of us were never taught that.

November's Contradictions

November does this thing where it forces contradictions to exist at the same time. The weather can be gorgeous. You might have genuine moments of connection or gratitude. And simultaneously, the holidays spotlight everything that's changed or broken or missing.

Someone dealing with their first Thanksgiving after a death might appreciate a friend's support while also feeling the empty chair at dinner. A person struggling financially might enjoy the fall colors while stressing about affording holiday meals. Someone with depression might have an okay morning and a terrible afternoon.

None of this is contradictory. It's just being human.

You Don't Have to Pick a Side

What I try to help people understand is that life doesn't make you choose. You can miss your old life and notice when something feels good now. You can grieve and still laugh. You can be anxious about family gatherings and grateful for the people who show up for you.

Both things are real. Both deserve space. And letting yourself experience both is actually healthier than forcing yourself to feel only one way.

When my client left that day, she wasn't fixed. Her ex was still texting about custody schedules. Her kids were still spending Thanksgiving in two places. But she wasn't fighting herself anymore about having good moments alongside the hard ones. That shift matters.

 What This Means for You

If November is kicking your butt right now, that's valid. If you're dreading Thanksgiving, that makes sense. And if you're having moments of okay mixed in with the stress and grief and anxiety, that's exactly how it's supposed to work.

You don't have to perform gratitude. You don't have to pretend everything's fine. But you also don't have to reject every good thing that comes your way just to prove you're taking your struggles seriously.

November can hold all of it. The beautiful and the broken. The connection and the loss. The gratitude and the grief. You don't have to pick.

If You Need Help Sorting This Out

Conflicting feelings are hard to navigate alone. If you're struggling to make sense of everything this month, C.A. Counseling is here. Let's talk through it.